I miss my S.O.
I hate that this distance is between us.
I feel really sad today.
I wish you would…
Any of these pass through your mind? I admit that they’ve gone through mine… I’ve said them to my S.O. in frantic texts or emails on really bad days. Remember what I said about tone? I miss you can easily become I miss YOU.
Think about when you’re having a bad day. Can an innocent comment hurt you in ways it wouldn’t on a regular day? When you’re in a LDR, you have rotten days. Rotten days where it can be easy to feel like you’re on your own. But you’re not. You and your S.O. decided together to do this. You made a joint decision to weather the good and the bad. Just like you have bad days, so does your S.O. When you are wondering when you will ever get to see them again, your S.O. is wondering the same thing. You miss being able to hold their hand? Fall asleep in their arms? Your S.O. is missing those exact same things. If they weren’t, then they wouldn’t have agreed to stay together. No one goes into a LDR for the fun of missing half your heart.
My S.O. is one of the most incredible people I know, although he’d be the first to say otherwise. Maybe its the benefit of being best friends for over a decade, but I’ve got to see him do some pretty incredible, pretty selfless stuff. If you are lucky enough to be included in his inner circle, he would do ANYthing for you. And you don’t have to be a part of that very small group to see how giving he is. He would give the shoes on his feet, the clothes off his back to people that most try and pretend aren’t there. He has dedicated himself to helping those who no one else will help. He will and does sacrifice himself for those he loves.
I like to think I’m a pretty good girlfriend. I remember important dates, I do what I can to contribute to the relationship. I go out of my way to make my S.O. feel good, because I love him. I like tho think our relationship is unique, because when I’m at my worst, I can turn to him, and he lifts me up (insert Josh’s screechy tune here). I like to think I do the same for him… but… what if I don’t?
I call him and say “Baby, I’m having the worst day ever”. And he flips into perfect boyfriend mode, and will do anything to make me smile. Its something I love about him, because he’s my strength. But I’ve never really stopped to think… at what cost to him.
I’ve seen him time and time again give up his own happiness for the sake of our kids. (as any parent would in this situation) I’ve had to sit with him as his heart broke over and over, and I’ve had to tell him “It’s OK for you to be happy too. You deserve it”. So then why didn’t I stop to think about it and say “It’s OK for you to be sad too. You deserve that”. Don’t get me wrong… when its bad, and he’s low, I am there for him, and will do whatever I can to lift HIM up. But what about those days when I’m sad, and call him, and he’s sad too?
I found myself this morning feeling happy about today, about a fresh start. But at the same time sad at a missed chance to be his “person”. For me to fill his shoes and to give him time for his shoulders to slump. I messed up. I let my bad get in the way of his bad and try to take priority. There are FAR too many I’s in relationships to allow this to become another one.
But I’ve learned, and that’s a good thing. I’ve learned that I need to take better care of the heart I hold, because it’s so strong for me, I forget how fragile it really is.
And I HOPE he’s learned that its ok to say, It’s my turn today. I’m the sad one. I need YOU.
This is hard. Probably the hardest thing we’ve done. But… thats what will make the flip side so amazing. Wish us luck with our “RelationUShip”
BTW… there are 243 “I”‘s in this post…