Wrong month to give up fasting. I could sure go for some emotional eating right about now.
I rolled over in our big bed all alone this AM when the alarm went off, and my first thought was “I’m not pregnant”. Then my hands automatically slid to my belly and rested there (like they do every morning) while I tried not to think about it, and tried to start my day with a prayer different then the one I’ve said every morning
afternoon, evening, every 10 min for the last two months.
I’m not but I wish I was. I wish I was so bad that I can smell that new baby smell when I close my eyes.
Guess what I’m doing tonight? Taking a test… Taking THE test…
I can say I am 99.9% sure I am not, and even that might be low balling it. If I am, there would have to be some pretty heavy Divine Intervention.
But I’m Not. I know I’m not. So why am I taking a test? Because I’m fasting. McHubby and I started fasting on Feb 17th. I complained and moaned about having to fast while it was THAT time of the month. PMS, Bloating, and Craving were all a part of my stinkin’ thinkin’ before we started. That was 9 days ago, and now I’m starting to get a little worried.
But I’m not, I know that I’m not. I know that the lack of nutrients in my system can easily cause a disruption to the natural flow of things. I KNOW that! I UNDERSTAND that!
I’m not. I know that I’m not. But McHubby and I started talking about it on Sunday, when I first mentioned I was late for a very important date. We started talking about if, by the grace of God, we somehow were… then it would be ONLY because of His help, and surely he’d help to protect the baby till we took our heads out of the clouds and figured out what was up.
But I’m not. I know I’m not. So last night, when I mentioned our guest was still a no show, we talked about it again. That we knew it was just the fast, that it was just my body adjusting and hoarding, but… what if it wasn’t? Were we willing to go 40 days without knowing? Blissfully unaware?
I’m not. I know I’m not. But… I need to KNOW. So tonight, when I pee on that stick, and there’s one line instead of two, or no lines instead of one, or a FML, or whatever they put on those little sticks these days (Its been 8 years since I even saw one of those damn sticks), I won’t be surprised. Because I know I’m not.
It won’t be a surprise, because Im not. I know I’m not. So it shouldn’t hurt that I’m not. It should just be a “There. I knew it.” and thats it.
Then why does my heart already hurt?
I dont like packing in boxes. I dislike cardboard, because if you don’t unpack right away, then you end up with boxes sitting around the garage, giving mice, bugs and who knows what else a chance to find a new home in your favorite slipper.
So this time around I’m packing in bins. Storage bins that I can fill, stack, and not worry about. But… Where do I get these bins?
And these are the ones I have left over from my last move. Ones I have, wont have to pay for, but ones that dont necessarily hold things the way I need them to.
Anyone have any ideas where I can get some cheap bins? The planner in me is ithcing to get this over with…
There are about 8 posts running through my head. I can’t seem to sit still long enuogh to get any of them down on paper. I’m planning on working on it tomorrow while McHubby sleeps. We’ll see how that goes.
I made it through the Valentines Weekend!! And it was awesome!!
I got a Hallmark DVD card, which I loved because McHubby isn’t the photo-montage-creating type, so it meant all the more.
There were balloons, flowers, a teddy bear, chocolates, sappy movies (OMG the Time Travellers Wife made me cry like a baby!) Twilight themed Candy hearts, and some
sexy time bible study gifts.
It was all out Cupid’s love den in our house, and it was incredible!!
However, the overload of chocolate has left me with a problem. (yeah, I couldn’t spell delema, and couldn’t find spellcheck… deal with it…) McHubby and I fast every year for lent… not the whole sun up to sun down thing, but all out fasting… 24/7, 40 days per year. We drink all natural fruit juices and water. and thats it. P.E.R.I.O.D.
So all this chocolate I got? it has to be gone by 12AM Wednesday, or it has to sit for 40 days. I’m all for stuffing my face with chocolates for the greater good, but the problem is all that sugar in my bloodstream, the added caffine, it will all turn and flow that first fasting day and have me begging for food by breakfast time the first day. NOT ideal.
Do you think if I freeze it, The Eldest One will eat it all?
Well, its officially Valentines Day weekend! McHubby and I suck at keeping surprises from each other. We get something we know the other will love, and we think we’re going to burst if we don’t get to see the look on the other one’s face!!
So last night I gave McHubby the first of his Valentines Day gifts. A sea turtle!! (Don’t worry, I’m not a nut ar who went out trolling off the coast of Florida or anything) Sea Turtles are McHubbies favorite ocean creature. So much so that I spent about an hour flirting with one at the Atlanta Aquarium trying to take the perfect picture of it!
I went to the Caribbean Conservation Corporation last night and adopted a Sea-Turtle.
This is McHubbies turtle! She’s an adult female loggerhead sea turtle encountered nesting on May 21, 2009, in the Archie Carr National Wildlife Refuge, Florida. She was named by her sponsor, Academy at Ocean Reef, and participated in the 2009 Tour de Turtles. She measures 107.5 cm in curved carapace (shell) length. We can even Follow her marathon migration. I think she’s beautiful!! McHubby cried when I “gave her” to him. I think part of me felt, if I can’t, right now, give you the baby we so badly want, I can give you THIS incredible life.
But I did say McHubby and I were BOTH horrible at keeping surprises, right?
We got home from dinner and he told me to go out of the bedroom for a minute. He called me back in, and there on the floor of the bedroom, was the most beautiful log cabin doll house I had ever seen!!
McHubby works at an Adult Rehabilitation Center. If you’ve ever seen a Salvation Army Family Store, My Hubby works at the center behind the scenes that benifits from the proceeds of the stores. There are guys on the program who have incredible skills, and at this particular center, they have a great wood working department that re-finishes tables, builds stuff for in house programs, and a number of other things. (Right now they are re-finishing my dining room table after Munchkin decided to carve a picture into the top of it using his breakfast spoon!)
Last week we were in talking about the table, and seeing what they could do about it. While McHubby was getting down to brass tacks, Munchkin and I were wandering around. We came across this beautiful doll house, and I couldn’t take my eyes off it! It was incredible! I’ve ALWAYS wanted a doll house, and so they thrill me to begin with, but the craftmanship in this one was unbelieveable. And now here was that doll house, on my bedroom floor!
I love it! But I think what put me over the moon was when McHubby, with tears in his eyes said “Can Becky play with it?” I love this incredible gift that satisfied a longing I’ve had since childhood, and am uncontrollably thrilled to be able to share it with my daughter as she grows up!
Just when I think its impossible to love my husband, or our much awaited, yet to be created little girl any more then I already do…
Its that time… time for me to sit down with my ovaries and
tell them to knock it off! have a chat.
All this baby ache is driving my crazy, and will start to drive everyone around me crazy, if it already hasn’t.
Being snowed in has caused my brain to turn a little fuzzy, and the result is my emotions are ALL over the place, in a one flew over the cookoo nest kind of way. Yesterday, I told the man I love, the man who cries with me over the disapointment of the “Wait, no babies yet” message we keep getting, that I was scared these future bundles of joy weren’t a priority for him. I can’t believe that would ever come out of my mouth, that I would ever hurt him in that way.
We laugh over the different ways we’ve planned to tell our families about the babies, when they happen. We cried one day in the car about our future daughters first break up. We argue about the clothes she’ll wear, the toys our furture son will play with, and the TV they’ll watch (NO purple and green bouncing idiots are allowed in my house!!) I know he loves these two as much as I do, I know his heart aches for them, to be able to hold them like mine does, but last night, snow swirling around me, I said I was scared he didn’t. And this wonderful amazing guy? He wrapped my up in his arms, kissed me, and told me he loved me, even though it may have been one of the most hurtful things I could have said to him.
I follow this great blog called “Adopted Momma of Two“. I started following her a couple months ago, when I thought adoption was going to be our only option. Reading her has really helped with questions I had, with knowing theres someone else out there who felt the way I do. Her post from yesterday was one of three she did that really hit home for me. In Sometimes I forget she said what my heart was feeling, and reminded me that the ache I feel is one I share with other women (and men) out there. That I’m not the only one who did this “There was a time I longed for a misbehaving child. I begged God for a crying, teething toddler. I prayed for sleepless nights spent caring for my children. I have been given exactly what I asked for. God answered my prayers.”
In Why does it cost so much she got down to the nitty gritty of it that I needed to know, and needed to think about. Her adoptions cost $26,000. Thats a whole lot for a family just starting out together, just starting new jobs, and its something I need to think about.
When I read Not Being Pregnant I cried. I want to be past the stage where it hurts to be happy for my friends who are having babies. I want to be able to look at them in the eye and share in their joy, rather then half hearted congratulations while trying not to cry. My sister in law just had a baby. An amazing little blue bundle that I am TERRIFIED of being around. They are coming to town this weekend, and the thought of being with them, watching them as a family physically hurts. I want to be past that!! I want to smile, I want to say congratulations and mean it, but I don’t know if I can.
McHubby and I have been through so much in life. SO much before we finally got to find our happiness. I know to expect everything from here on out to be easy is ridiculous, but we’ve done our time! We’ve done everything right, trying to please our families, our kids, our friends. Sacrificed. Delayed. Moved Mountains. Things are supposed to get easier now.
We have options. Things to think about. Adoption. Surgery. Sperm donors. Whats best for our family situation. What’s Gods plan? Are we messing with it? Where do we go from here?
Man I hope this snow gets lost soon. I need fresh air and open spaces to clear my head… before I push everyone away.