I rolled over in our big bed all alone this AM when the alarm went off, and my first thought was “I’m not pregnant”. Then my hands automatically slid to my belly and rested there (like they do every morning) while I tried not to think about it, and tried to start my day with a prayer different then the one I’ve said every morning
afternoon, evening, every 10 min for the last two months.
I’m not but I wish I was. I wish I was so bad that I can smell that new baby smell when I close my eyes.
Guess what I’m doing tonight? Taking a test… Taking THE test…
I can say I am 99.9% sure I am not, and even that might be low balling it. If I am, there would have to be some pretty heavy Divine Intervention.
But I’m Not. I know I’m not. So why am I taking a test? Because I’m fasting. McHubby and I started fasting on Feb 17th. I complained and moaned about having to fast while it was THAT time of the month. PMS, Bloating, and Craving were all a part of my stinkin’ thinkin’ before we started. That was 9 days ago, and now I’m starting to get a little worried.
But I’m not, I know that I’m not. I know that the lack of nutrients in my system can easily cause a disruption to the natural flow of things. I KNOW that! I UNDERSTAND that!
I’m not. I know that I’m not. But McHubby and I started talking about it on Sunday, when I first mentioned I was late for a very important date. We started talking about if, by the grace of God, we somehow were… then it would be ONLY because of His help, and surely he’d help to protect the baby till we took our heads out of the clouds and figured out what was up.
But I’m not. I know I’m not. So last night, when I mentioned our guest was still a no show, we talked about it again. That we knew it was just the fast, that it was just my body adjusting and hoarding, but… what if it wasn’t? Were we willing to go 40 days without knowing? Blissfully unaware?
I’m not. I know I’m not. But… I need to KNOW. So tonight, when I pee on that stick, and there’s one line instead of two, or no lines instead of one, or a FML, or whatever they put on those little sticks these days (Its been 8 years since I even saw one of those damn sticks), I won’t be surprised. Because I know I’m not.
It won’t be a surprise, because Im not. I know I’m not. So it shouldn’t hurt that I’m not. It should just be a “There. I knew it.” and thats it.
Then why does my heart already hurt?