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Monthly Archives: March 2010

Do you know what today is?!?!?!?!?!?!

Today I go home!!! I get to see my family, my friends, and my country!! 3 days in the best place on earth (yep… it even tops Disney! lol) and why is it the best??

And… Perhaps one of the best…

 
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Posted by on March 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

What do you do when you live in a shoe?

Have you ever met someone who didn’t like you?  I’m not talking about the mom who overheard you talking about her in play group, or the stranger you flipped off while driving. I mean someone who really, for no good reason, doesn’t like you.

There is such a person in my life right now. Not everyone has to like me.  I’m fine with that.  But… they do have to have a reason. I literally said “Hi” to this person, and instantly, there was a problem.  We see each other twice a week.  We eat at the same table.  We talk to the same people, and its like I don’t exsist.  Actually its worse then if I don’t exsist. Its as if she goes out of her way to make sure I understand that there’s something about me that offends her.  Ignoring me when I attempt to start a conversation, sucking her teeth every time I walk past, physically turning her back to me when we are stuck sitting next to each other and making sure she addresses EVERYONE but me at some point during our time together.. 

I can usually shrug it off.  But something about her doing this gets to me.  I don’t know if its the annoying way she goes out of her way to “baby talk” my husband, or DEMAND the attention of everyone in a room, or maybe its the fact that NO ONE seems to have a problem with it.  There are people with us whenever we’re around each other, and its impossible to be ignorant of the way she acts, and yet, everyone smiles and ignores it.  McHubby has offered to help, but what is he going to do? Ask her to please be nice to me because I’m a little sensitive?  He’s friends with her, and her family? They’re in a position of authority over us… so what exactly can he do? I tell him not to, but there are times when it hurts for me to know that he sees it, and is still her friend.

I’ve had a hard week.  I’m struggling with Munchkin’s impending medication trials for ADD, and with trying to feel like I’m a good mom who can help him, when it feels like I really can’t. Homework sessions breakdown into yelling matches when positive re-enforcement doesn’t work.  I’m trying to get him on a schedule, some kind of routine that EVERY expert says will help.  But things keep popping up that mess with it, and everytime I think we’ll get a handle on his routine, we’ve bumping it for something else.  

The Eldest and I had a fight.  A BAD fight. And I’m worried that things wont be the same. And I’m worried that the strain of our fight will put a strain on McHubby and I. I’m worried that everyone will get to say “I told you so” about our family not being able to make it, and I think I’ve cried about it for 2 weeks straight.

I miss my friends.  I miss when I have a problem like this, having them to talk to about it.  I miss being able to go places with them. If they were here, I could bring them with me when I have to face this person who doesn’t like me, and at least I wouldn’t be the outsider, which is how she makes me feel. Even when I’m with my own family.  I miss having my friends say “Wow.. you’re right, it is uncomfortable” and having them sympathize with me. 

I have my family, and they are all I have ever wanted and more.  I have my boys, my husband, and our happily ever after. But I think his being here for months before I came, is harder now that I’m here, now that I’m trying to fit into the relationships he’s already built.  I feel awkward, unelegant, blundering, unrefined, and inept.  I feel like I’m back in high school, trying to find where I fit in, what to do to be “cool” or to be accepted.  Those aren’t feelings I’m used to, and they certianly aren’t qualities I think anyone would find endearing.

We’re going to Canada for March Break.  I’m hoping that I’ll find myself again, because right now, I feel like I’m floundering…

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

*!* Baby News Alert *!*

Drum Roll Please…

We have made some progress in the baby making!!

I’ve cried and cried for months about this baby ache I’ve had, but truth be told, we were at a standstill. There were choices to be made that we just kind of bypassed. We knew there were medical issues we’d have to tackle, financial issues we’d have to examine, and that until that was done, our babies were like a dream, just out of reach.

At our wits end, we finally broke down and had a conversation that was long over due. We talked about methods of having the babies, cost of the different methods, and what WE wanted most.

We can’t have a baby of our own. Unless there is some serious miracle working going on upstairs, we’ll need to find a different way to add to our family. And so we talked and figured out what works for us.

When I was pregnant with Munchkin, I was young, unprepared, and in what was the worst relationship of my life. With a guy who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. Unfortunately we were pregnant once before, and when he found out, he … well.. lets just say I was black and blue for a few days, and there was no more baby. When I found out I was pregnant with Munchkin, there was no way I was prepared to care for a kid. No way that I could get my life together enough to support this baby. So I made the choice to put him up for adoption after he was born.

For months I went to the counseling sessions, making plans to have this baby and then move on with my life. One of the things the counselor advised was to avoid bonding with the “fetus”. No absently stroking my belly while he practiced his kick boxing, no chatting about baby names, comparing belly size with the other mommies-to-be at my work. I wouldn’t let anyone touch my belly, talk about the baby, or in any way involve me in anything regarding the “visitor” in my belly.

The day he was born, the Dr’s cut the cord and passed him to me. The nurses were supposed to call the social worker to come and get the baby, but when he was in my arms, in that second, EVERYthing changed. He was my baby. MY boy. The little guy who’d been sparing with my bladder for the last 9 months, the monkey who thought it would be fun to hang on my ribs, practice for the world cup, and clearly object to my meal choices by forcing them back out the way they came in.

He was mine from that second on, and there was no way anyone would take him from me. That day “dad” was gone from my life. No way I would let my son grow up in that environment. I moved home with my parents, who supported me in more ways then I could ever remember to thank them for.

But there’s always been this part of me, this longing for those kicks, for reading stories to this squirmy little being inside my body. I want to give in to crazy middle of the night cravings. To stay up late at night with his/her dad, talking about first dates, first words, first everything’s.

So when McHubby and I started talking baby options, it was something I dreamed about. We spent hours making plans for Becky and Sam, and what we drempt and hoped for them. When we talked about our “How” for the babies, I laid it all out on the table, what I missed, what I wanted. And my husband, my rock, my person, my dream come true after 16 incredible years, he said “ok”.

I know that words alone will never be enough to tell him how much that means to me. Its a sacrifice not many people would be willing to make, and its one he made for me, for our babies. And I will ALWAYS be reminded of his unselfish love every time I look at our kids.

Our babies won’t look like him. They may not be his blood type, but those babies will be as much his as our other three boys. They will run to the door to greet him at the end off a work day, arms stretched up and say “da-da Up!” They’ll snuggle into his arms at bedtime, and they’ll fight to be the first to tell him about their day. They’ll be OUR babies, but these two, these special two, they will be HIS, in some ways, more then our other 3 are, because of the selfless Daddy choice that he’s made long before they’ve been conceived.

But now I’m worried. What will other people think? Will they look at Becky and Sam differently? Will they try and talk us out of it? I worry that some of them already look at Hayden as part of some kind of extended, not really family, tag along. We have family and friends that haven’t even said congrats to our engagement, let alone our wedding that took place 3 months ago. What will they think of ones that don’t share their genes. Our parents have signed off, said “way to go”, “have fun trying” and are excited about adding to their family. But what if everyone else doesn’t feel the same.

So I started this blog just to say that we’d made a time line, and the rest of this has just come pouring out. But… I guess maybe it needed to. Not to leave you hanging, here’s the baby plan.

We start “trying” in September. If we’re lucky, that gives us a baby by May. So… if all goes well… in a little over a year, our babies should be here… Oh… and because we know that we now have an increased chance of multiples, we’ve picked a couple other names, just to be on the safe side.. so… should Rebecca Melina come with a sister, Amanda Kathryn will get to share in the pink frilly joy, and if Samuel Cohen decides he needs a brother, Nathaniel Sterling will have to learn to share dump trucks.

Neither of us will be disappointed if the babies are one sex or the other, but here’s a picture of the grandkids on both sides of the family. See if you can tell who WE think needs a little representation…

McHubby’s side.  Our three boys, and 2 of his 4 nephews.
 
My side of the family. Munchkin, my 3 nephews, and my cousin’s 2 boys…
 
Where’s the PINK?!?!?
 
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Posted by on March 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

I LOVE my Husband!

This is what happens when you spend weeks on end pouting and crying about babies…
And there’s tape and a permenant marker close by…
And an incredible husband who would let you do anything if it meant you would smile…
I LOVE you Baby!!
 
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Posted by on March 2, 2010 in Uncategorized