Some of you may have thought I’d fallen off the blog-osphere. Some of you may have thought I fell off the ice cream truck (Wagon… ice cream truck… get it??)
I’ve been around. A little self pity here, a little doubt there, with a sprinkle of entitled “I can eat what I want!” for good measure.
I haven’t really been feeling the program lately. I don’t know why. It might be that McHubby is so close to his goal, and my goal still seems like a pin prick of light miles down the road. It might be that I got lazy, and lets be real… If I wasn’t prone to lazy behaviour, my body fat % wouldn’t be in the 40’s.
Whatever the reason, these last few weigh in’s have not been my favorite. And I was discouraged. The staff at Blue Sky were great. Offering tips on how to get back in the swing of things, how to try and peak my interest in exercise, but none of it spoke to me. I’d do good for a few days. Last week I was down 3 pounds in 2 days, and then… I decided I needed a reward. Sweet Cece’s is NOT a good reward when you’re on a weight loss program.
You’d think that, as an administrator of a rehabilitation center, I’d know the signs of a relapse. A colleague here to review our program said today during a meeting I was in, that “Everyone has an addiction they need to address. EVERYONE”. Mine is food.
And there are days that the addictive self comes out. I eat when no one is home. I shove wrappers in the back of the closet. I convince myself that just one little “Extra” wont affect my week… but its never just ONE little extra. My hubby, who has loved me since I was a 16 years old mess… he knows I’m struggling. He’ll say to me “I don’t think you should eat that.” or “You’ve already had one of those”. And I know he means well. I know he’s doing it to be supportive. But for me… that’s a trigger. A reminder of a past life when a much smaller me was in a SUPER unhealthy relationship where every comment made was about me weight, or some other aspect that was never good enough. So when the person who’s loved me through thick and thin (LOL) says exactly what I need to hear, I react in a way that I can’t explain, and that I’m sure he can’t understand.
So… obviously, all this was adding up in the last few weeks. And I wasn’t even being honest with myself about how bad I was doing the program these last few weeks. Until Tuesday, when I found myself standing in the kitchen, rice crispy treat in one hand, and jar of peanut butter in the other.
I didn’t need anyone to tell me I was reverting to old behaviours. I was my own intervention.
It was time to put on my big girl pants. Literally. I needed to remind myself why I was doing what I was doing. I needed a reminder of how far I had come. So… I put on my jeans that I wore to my first appointment at blue sky back in April.
Over the jeans I was already wearing. and you know what?? My big girl pants were STILL too big!! So I put on another layer…
I walked into my blue sky appointment with 4 pairs of pants on!!!! It was so funny watching the faces as I pulled pair after pair off!
Looking at my chart, the staff feel I’ve hit a plateau. That I need to increase my calories because my body is getting used to living on the calories I’ve been having. What they don’t know is that The calories I should be having vs the calories I AM having… are a lot different.
So this week, I’m inspired. The pants… the thought of increasing over my own silliness rather then an actual reason… they’ve inspired me to work the program like I’ve said I’ve been doing for the last few weeks. But to do it for real!
Tonight, after a day of sitting behind a conference table, we had some downtime before taking our guest out to dinner. So what did I do? I went out into the warehouse where I knew a treadmill had just come in. I strung an extension cord across the building, flipped to my iTunes on my phone, and walked for 20 min.. dress shoes and all.
90 min of exercise this week, 800 calories a day… I want to go into the office next week, and be able to say “I tried my hardest!” THEN, if I still need to up my calories, so be it… but I’m 1/2 way to my goal, and I’m not willing to stand in my own way any more.
Oh yeah.. and tonight… I got 5 on!!