Its so hard for me to see…

09 Apr

When you’re a mom, you learn your baby’s subtle and not so subtle signals pretty fast.  When your little one plops down somewhere and starts to cry because they couldn’t get the circle peg in the square hole… he/she probably needs a nap.

When you have company come over and passing the baby from one to the other ends up with a baby crying because it’s too much stimulation… the answer is a nap.

Bad dream in the middle of the night?  Nap.

One of my favorite memories of Child the III when he was about 2 weeks old maybe less, the middle of the night one night.  I was living with my parents in a highrise apartment and The Boy started to cry. By the time this sound that was still a bit foreign to me registered in my sleep depraved brain, my dad was already there in his tattered green robe, with Child the III cuddled close to his chest singing “Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam”.

Dad and The Boy napping. A common site.

When exactly does one grow out of “Needing a nap”?  For our youngest, it was right before he started kindergarten.

Right now… I need a nap.

Not just the physical rest of a nap (I REALLY NEED THAT TOO!), but the whole act of getting your baby to go to sleep.  The arm wrapped around the baby, offering comfort and security.  The gentle “Shhhh” or ” Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam” softly in the ear. Rubbing their back, gentle swaying… all of it.

I desperately need all of it!

This has been 6 of the most trying, difficult and emotionally draining months of my life. I’ve questioned my path, my calling, my decisions and my commitment and the worst hurt, its been questioned by others as well. Doing this work, it’s all I’ve ever felt good at.  Working for Social Justice, walking along side the hurting, it’s what speaks to me.  Sitting with a guy while he calls his family for the first time in 10 years… that is what makes my heart feel full. Having others judge and question that calling… It makes you want to rip your hair out… or.. write angry blog posts about it 😉

The Hubs has been sick, we’ve had another failed attempt at bringing a little pink into our family.

I’ve been at the end of my rope, and when I reached there, I heard the soothing shhh of one of my favorite choruses “Thou Wilt Keep Him in Perfect Peace, Who’s Mind is Stayed On Thee”. (I love that song so much its tattooed around my right leg)

This week mortality stared me in the face, and I stared back!  Wednesday night as we prepared The Hubs for a LHC, we prepared to say goodbye to each other.  Our story is the thing sappy Valentines Day movies are made of, and as we sat there, praying that after 16 years of hurt, longing and loving from afar that we would have more than 2 years together, I felt as if… even trying to describe it now has my eyes tearing up.

I’m tired.  I’m exhausted.  I’ve tried to handle it all my way, I’ve tried seeking the advice of those more wise than I (Translation; I spilled my guts to my mom), I’ve talked to friends who’ve been there, and to friends who have never dreamed of what we’re going through.  And, when none of that worked, I’ve fallen on my knees and said “I can’t do this on my own!”

I need a NAP!

What is getting me through right now?  The words of a song from one of my favorite Christian groups.

“From where I’m standing Lord, it’s so hard for me to see Where this is going And where You’re leading me I wish I knew how All my fears and all my questions Are going to play out In a world I can’t control.

When I’m lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory
‘Cause You’re already there You’re already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You’re already there You’re already there

From where You’re standing Lord, You see a grand design That You imagined When You breathed me into life And all the chaos Comes together in Your hands Like a masterpiece Of Your picture-perfect plan
When I’m lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory

One day I’ll stand before You And look back on the life I’ve lived I can’t wait to enjoy the view And see how all the pieces fit.”

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Posted by on April 9, 2012 in Uncategorized


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