The Hubs had a brilliant idea this weekend. We planned to take our guys to Dollywood, and knowing how I hate to get up early and be belted into a car for 3-4 hours on end, he suggested we take off Sunday afternoon and meet them up there.
Here’s a couple things you need to know when embarking on a road trip avec moi.
1) I cannot read, Facebook, or even watch the scenery out the window without feeling utterly and completely car sick… So be prepared to entertain me…
2) I trust Garmin speed limits and Garmin speed limits ONLY. I don’t care if we’ve driven past 3 consecutive speed limit signs, the third of which reading “your husband is right” , I will still remind you that you’re going 20 over the Garmin speed limit.
3) When driving past any dead thing on the side of the road, I HAVE to say sorry, and the car must take a moment of silence. Not a long one, just a second or two is fine. And yes, even for my arch enemy the s…s…snake.
4) After once driving behind a pick up for 20 min with its signal light on and a bumper sticker reading “What Would Jesus Do?” I may or may not out of frustration, yelled “Jesus would turn off his signal light!” thus staring a long tradition of abusing drivers from the safe confines of my own vehicle.
5) An hour and a half. Thats how long it takes for recirculated car air to start to destroy my sanity. After that, all bets are off. I will make up horrible song lyrics and belt them out, fiddle with random buttons and knobs, and flick poke or prod fellow car riders into some kind of odd version of “I’m not touching you”. (this may be residual from a childhood of being carted across country with my bother and his gi-normo legs folded into the back seat with me… Only shrinks can know for sure)
6) I love going into random gas stations in uncharted waters to try new snacks and sodas. The odder sounding the better. This may or may not be what led to my eating salt and vinegar crickets (very dry, and the legs are impossible to get out of your throat) or chocolate covered mealworms (tend to crumble on your tongue and leave a very bad after taste)
There you have it. My list c’est fini.