When I was little, I dreamed of being a garbage man. My mom would tell you that my first friend in life was a filthy older guy who sat in the back of the church where she would walk me back and forth when the challenge of sitting still was too much.
When I moved to Vancouver I remember my best friend and I waiting for the mailman and telling him we’d help him deliver for the block. At 7, I had it figured out. I wanted to be a mail person.
At one point I wanted to be a teacher, until years of being a Sunday School teacher showed me that I had neither the aptitude for class preparation or the patience for other people’s children. I dreamt of becoming a vet, and spent a short stint working at a fantastic clinic but it just wasn’t my bliss.
But now… at 32 years old, I’m still struggling to find my bliss. There’s nothing like one of those cry your eyes out, mad at the world, break your heart conversations with The Hubs to make you look at things differently. I won’t bore you with all the details of the conversation, but the gist of it is that I am Blessed with a husband that loves me so incredibly much and wants to help me to find that Bliss that seems to be eluding me.
The Hubs and I have a deal. It came partly out of necessity and partially out of experience. The deal is that nothing goes unsaid. There’s no secrets. We’ve both lived with secrets, and know that they just don’t work for us. Our open book policy has seen us through some stuff that probably would have had other couples running for cover. We’re usually pretty good about following through with “the Deal”. Last nights conversation showed me something. I may be very good at telling The Hubs when I’m upset, when I’m hurting or when I’m struggling. Maybe I’m not so good when I’m telling him that I’m happy.
I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is thank God for the amazing man laying next to me. The alarm goes off and one of us usually says “5 more minutes”, which is the cue for the other to roll over so we can cuddle and just be before the demands of the day, the job, the family strike. Those 5 minutes are everything to me. Maybe I should tell him that more.
The Hubs wants to help me find my bliss. I wish I’d been better at telling him that HE is my bliss. That after 15-16 years of heartache, his coming back to me is my bliss.