Paper Trail

10 Jun

I don’t know if there’s ANYTHING that makes me happier than a blank piece of paper.

I take out a notebook and open to a fresh crisp page.  I run my hand along its cool surface a few times and then select just the right pen for my mood.  Most days it’s a blue papermate, preferably one with a “clicky” on top to help me annoy think.  If I’m feeling official it’s a black felt tip.  Irritation or anger usually leads me to a red ballpoint like the ones my teachers used grading papers.  Insecurity shows across my notebooks in the form of graphite from a yellow No.2 pencil.

Child the third woke up at 4 this morning sick, and after he went back to bed I struggled to find that comfy spot.  My mind moving faster than my body this AM, I tried not to wake The Hubs but I knew that sleep would not be returning.  Dog the 1st saved me from my restlessness by barking the “I’ve gotta go!!” alarm, so I was able to come downstairs and enjoy a few minutes in the stillness.

I sat in The Hubs my recliner as the dogs searched the yard for the scent of overnight intruders and I looked around.

The view from my chair

The half filled boxes are a testament to my train of thought these days.  I start a project, get about half way through and then something else attracts my attention.  Perhaps my ADD is in overdrive, but more than likely its that my heart just isn’t into it.  As you know, my mom arrived on Friday, and Saturday morning she woke up and said “I don’t know how you do it! You have so many things going on right now I don’t know how you sleep at night! I was laying in bed last night thinking of all the stuff you have going on.”.  Truth be told, there are days I wonder the same thing.  At times it feels as if my body, mind and spirit are all suffering from this emotional overload at the breaking points.

Today in the quiet… with the rain falling outside… I feel different.  Hopeful.  I reached for the closest notebook, in this case, Child the 3rds travel notebook we just made for our upcoming vacation.  Today none of my usual pens will do.  Instead, I select a green fine point felt tip, green for”Go!”… green for growth… green for the great outdoors I’m about to immerse myself in.

I write, plan, and imagine what the next 3 weeks are going to be like, as that image spills out onto the paper, I wonder if this is how it was for Him, when He was planning the path my life would take.  As I moved through the different phases to get to where I am now… as I work to get to where it is He wants me to be.  Did He start a new page for new experiences?  Did He pause over the sight of this fresh page? Marvel at all the possibilities it contained?  Picking the right tools to help me get through, as I pick the right pen to sooth my mood?

As I create my to do lists, the three worlds I’m struggling to balance; Sharon Feener, Director of Special Services, Sharon Feener, Wife and Home Maker, and Sharon Feener, Super Mom and Vacation Planner all merge together.  These blank pages start to fill with the plans I need to accomplish what I am setting out to do and suddenly, it’s not impossible.  Its right there in front of me.



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Posted by on June 10, 2012 in Uncategorized


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