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Tired.

15 Dec

I read somewhere once, that women struggle to feel special sometimes. Maybe this explains the constant jokes about the extra long wait guys have when we get ready for a special event.  So we can feel special… noticed. 

Right now I would give anything to feel ordinary. 

In the ever constant battle with my scale and self image, I’m losing.  I worked my butt off this week, and have lost 10 pounds since last Sunday, and yet when I stood on that scale this AM, the number was nowhere near where I needed it to be.  Where I would give anything to have it be.  I can’t remember the last time I felt pretty, or even comfortable in who I am.

Christmas time means family gatherings. Getting together, taking pictures, and seeing people you haven’t seen in a long time.  Most people are so excited! Me? I want to crawl into a hole.  I’m tired of being “the fat one”.  I’m tired of trying to figure out the best object to stick in front of me so that maybe I won’t be so noticeable (usually Child the III fills that role).  I’m tired of having to constantly worry about where the camera’s are, in case they snap the dreaded wrong angle.  Most of all, In the shiny perfect family we have, I’m tired of being the only one that’s shiny because of the effort it takes to fit in.

I don’t want to be special, I don’t want to be noticed, I don’t want all eyes on me.  I just want to be ordinary.  To blend into the wallpaper, or for someone to say, “Hey, I didn’t even know you were there” Not the topic of conversation once we leave, or the reason a picture needs to be re-taken. 

I just want to be normal, and that seems very far away right now.

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Posted by on December 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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