Here I sit, looking over my post for Child the III’s Birthday and thinking “WOW! Life changes fast!”.
Recap? My last blog post (in May), the Hubs and I were working at an addiction center in Memphis TN, waiting on the call from our adoption worker to tell us if the Birth Mom we said yes to picked us to adopt her unborn son.
Where are we now? One of the most beautiful places on the earth. Snuggled in the Rocky Mountains of British Columbia Canada. Back Home! The Hubs a pastor of a local church (complete with food bank, second-hand store and winter shelter) and me, unemployed trying not to panic as I watch our bank account VERY closely. Adoption plans… on hold we’ll say… for now. (FYI, the birth mom we were hoping for while we were in Memphis decided to parent her sweet little boy, and she continues to be in my prayers as she find her way with a now 5 month old).
But what happened in between? How did we get here? And why am I deciding to write about it now?
I’m part of an online Bible study (my first, to be exact) based on the book “What Happens When Women say “Yes” to God”. Part of the process that comes with that is trying to think of a time when you stepped out and said “Yes”. These last few months have been full of Yes moments.
Early last year, the Hubs came to me and said “I think we should move out of the country to somewhere where you wont know anyone, where we’ll take a pay 75% pay cut, and where for the first time since being married we wont work together, wont spend 23 hrs a day together and, in doing all that… all our planning for adopting a baby will get thrown out the window.”
Ok, so that’s not exactly what he said. But it is what I heard. What he actually said was that God was calling him to return to the life of a pastor, and in the church we belong to, that meant returning to Canada.
I’d like to say I was speechless. I’d like to say I said all the right things, and spent hours and hours in prayer about it. I’d love to say all of that. But I didn’t. What I did do was P-A-N-I-C! I asked him why, after a full year (or more) of everyone telling us that we had to be pastors in order to do our jobs, he pulled this out of thin air. (Which of course wasn’t true because it wasn’t the first time he’d mentioned it, it was just the first time I had “HEARD” him).
I did what I do best. I ran. Took off, shut down and ran through every worst case scenario I could think of. The Hubs, being the incredible man I love that he is, gave me space, and then came to me and said “I don’t know what we can do, but if its not what you want, then I wont do it”. One of the things I love most about The Hubs is the fact that he is selfless and I’m ashamed to admit that, for a minute, I thought “All I have to do is say no, and this gets brushed under the rug.” .
Thankfully cooler heads prevailed that afternoon… eventually. The benefit of being the daughter of pastors, and the daughter in law of pastors is that I’ve heard exactly 1,435,675 sermons about God’s Calling, and I knew that if this was what the Hubs was being called to do… I needed to get on board, or get out of the way. So in one of the greatest leaps of faith I think I’ve taken, I said “Ok… If that’s what you need to do, lets do it.”
It hasn’t been an easy few months. Its been a learning experience for me in so many ways. I’ve felt alone, so far from friends and family. I’ve felt useless as the very area’s I’ve been able to work with The Hubs, the area’s where he struggles the most, those areas are filled with other people to help, and its as if I’m on the sidelines cheering him on, which isn’t a bad place, but I’m used to being in the game (Does that even make sense?), but there are options out there for me, and I’m working my mind around those. Is it a “SAY YES” moment? Only time will tell.