I took a walk down memory lane again today. Last year this time (go ahead… click… you know you want to…) the Hubs was just home after a 4 day stint in the hospital after some pretty scary moments in our family. I felt like everything was falling apart, and was grasping desperately at the rainbows everyone kept telling me were out there.
33 was crazy! Actually… 32 & 33 were crazy. I thought my husband was dying (which, thankfully wasn’t the case), I thought we were getting ready to adopt a baby, a process we were told would take 1-2 years (at least). The middle of 33 got a little hairy when we got a frantic call while on vacation about an hour outside of San Antonio from our social worker that meant we had MAYBE 4 weeks to prepare for a sweet baby boy to enter our home. 33 involved a lot of lows… a lot of sacrifice, or so it felt at the time.
I have no idea what awaits around the next turn. The Hubs would tell probably tell you that not knowing is eating away at me. And… he may not be far off. I’m trying to trust. TRYING.
A lot of the circumstances are the same as I start 34. The baby aches still hit, the Hubs is still sick. I still wake at least 10-15 times during the night to make sure he’s breathing. 2 of our boys still live around the world… too far to comprehend sometimes.
34 will be different.
I have no control over the Hubs health. I can do my best to make sure I don’t take one moment I have with him for granted.
I can’t snap my fingers and make our family grow. I can make sure that the time I spend with our boys is memorable.
I can’t change the fact that, at times, I feel so inadequate that its hard to function. I can turn those moments over to God and trust that He will give me rest, as promised.
I can’t change the fact that money isn’t the same for us, and that we’ve had to stretch further then we’ve ever had to stretch before. I can use these as teachable moments for our whole family (myself included) on how to appreciate the little things, not just the high ticket things we buy to fill a void.
I can’t change the fact that I’m not the me I want to be right now. I can start here… today… and refocus, renew and recharge.
Before you think I’m focusing on the negative for yet another birthday, I’m really not. I’ve spent a very long time hiding from who I am, from what makes me…me. I’ve apologized for being who I was, thinking my faults and past defined me. I’m pretty tired of that. Just today, I was griping to the Hubs that people who are two-faced are probably my biggest pet peeve, but when I stop to think about it, not being myself, the good bad and ugly… that’s a kind of two-faced… So maybe its time I take off my own mask.
I take today, this year as a challenge. Step out, say yes more, get uncomfortable, push boundaries, rediscover what I love, what makes me a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I don’t know how it will work out… the path of self discovery is often littered with baggage , costumes and relationships shed along the way. But… I’ll keep you posted… I expect it will be filled with a lot of moments like this…