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Monthly Archives: October 2013

#iBelieve

Its that time again!! A new Bible study (that couldn’t come at a more appropriate time) based on Renee Swope’s book A Confident Heart. Yeah, God’s sense of humor isn’t lost on me with this one, ladies and gentlemen…

When I was reading my options for our Blog Hop topics to the Hubs, his response was… “Wow… those aren’t easy choices!” My thoughts exactly!  But if I’m doing this study to face my fears and deal with my doubts head on, there was really only one option for me.  I believe (or my trendy iBelieve… get it?  huh??).

This study has caused me to confront some of my biggest doubts head on, and that has NOT been easy.  (AND we’re only on chapter 2!!) We’ve looked at the story of the Woman at the well (John 4) or Sam, as Renee calls her.  Its not a new story to me. But for some reason, listening to Renee’s take on it, I suddenly found myself seeing it with fresh eyes, and through those eyes, I saw myself.  I’ve struggled her struggles, felt her loneliness, and avoided her tormenters.

But in going through the study this week, its become pretty clear that the tormenters I’ve avoided, the whispers I’ve tried to ignore…they come from me.  From the darkest place’s I’ve not let anyone in.  “I’m not good enough”, “I’m sinking”, “I can’t”…

My past is not a pretty one.  In fact there are parts of it I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, as the saying goes. If people knew me… the me from back then… they would dismiss me in a heart beat.  They would say “Who are you, to preach to us?!”  2 Corinthians 5:17 ~ says This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

6 years ago, I was running a homeless shelter in Toronto.  I was a Single mom, fresh from a very abusive relationship, forced to move back in with my parents, and I burnt out.  HARD. I blamed everyone around me, it was their fault I was in the position I was in.  I went from being a strong confident woman to the role of a victim almost every night.  Everyone was against me.  There are times now, when that mindset comes creeping back.  Romans 8:31 ~ If God is for us, who can be against us?

There are times I can’t figure out Left from Right (not literally, of course) I don’t know if I’m making the right choices, if I’m doing things in the order God intended. Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.   I’m scared.  For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline ~ 2 Timothy 1:7.  There are times I feel completely alone in a crowded room.  The Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you ~  Deuteronomy 31:6  Times I can’t bare to look at the 80+ extra pounds I’ve become in the mirror. Ps 45:11 ~ The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord. Times I feel like I just don’t have the right words, or will know the right thing to do.  And God will generously provide all your need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others ~ 2 Corinthians 9:8.

In my head, in my heart, those doubts screamed. Echoed.  Drowning out everything else.  But saying them out loud.  Typing them here for posterity. There is something freeing in that.  Writing this tonight, every time I came up with another doubt, another excuse, I’d look at the list of God’s promises that Renee compiled in chapter 12 of her book and there it was… Gods promises… His assurances… His #perfectlove there, waiting for me to accept it.

 
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Posted by on October 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I miss my Daddy

My friend does a “5 minute word” thing on her blog every Friday.  Today her word was Ordinary.  I’ve never done a 5 minute Friday, and I don’t think today is the day.   But that word.  Ordinary. It got me today.

Today, October 11th, will never be ordinary for me.  People go to work today, people will go out with their friends and enjoy the start to the long weekend.  You can ask people months from now what they did on this day, and they probably wont remember.  I will remember.

Blue Sky Md

3 years ago today, my dad died.  My dad being in the Hospital on a long weekend wasn’t new.  We often joked that he needed the break from the whole family visiting.  So, when I got the phone call saying he was sick just 2 short weeks after his vacation with us, it wasn’t a surprise.  My parents had been on a whirl wind tour of the churches they had pastored, and had spent a month with us in Nashville.  It was expected that it would take its toll on my dad.  He was never really “Healthy as a Horse” as they saying goes. He was sick, but he’d been sick before.  He was in the hospital, but he’d been there before.

October 11th, at 5:30am, The Hubs cell phone rang.  They were calling the family to the hospital. While I was frantically packing a bag, and The hubs was frantically booking a plane ticket for me, we got the second phone call.  The one that said I’d never again hug my dad, or sit on his lap telling him about my day (something I did even into my 20’s).

I wanted to write something meaningful attesting to the fact that I miss my dad today, but its not as simple as that. Not just one day of sadness, in an otherwise ordinary life.  Missing him has become the new ordinary.

I miss my Dad.

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2013 in Relationship

 

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