I’ve always been a bit of a different character. I think that’s the polite way to say it. As far back as I can remember, I’ve balked at authority, pushed the limits with rules, and generally made my own “Normal”. Rules make me roll my eyes, and I’ve been known to say “Well, that’s just too bad, it needs to be done my way!” WAY more than is healthy for someone who’s spent their life in ministry. Don’t get me wrong, The Hubs can be just as head strong as me, but he manages it better. M-U-C-H better (Most of the time)!
So, what do you get when you mix 2 very head strong people with some serious baggage and “Church Hurts”? What we got was 6-8 months where the thought of entering a church door caused anguish. It was NOT a good time for us, for our relationship, for our souls. Thankfully a friend invited us to her church (pastors kids…. we’re always looking out for each other), and not really knowing why, we said yes. We went… we had a plan… in, be seen, out. EASY. Or so we thought.
We walked into that church and it literally changed our lives. In all honesty, it probably saved our relationship with our families and with each other. A church full of hurting people awaited us in those pews, and told us it was ok to be hurt, it was ok to be mad, but it wasn’t ok to turn our backs on the only source of True Peace. The Hubs, having spent 9 years previous as a pastor, was “home”. Where he needed to be at that time. Me, I was better… not great, but better. Life went on. We had bumps, hiccups, even a couple road blocks, but life… as far as I knew… didn’t get much better than this.
Then we hit that fateful night. The conversation that brought us here. You’ve read how it went for me, (If not, click here to check it out… I’ll wait… go ahead… 🙂 how the Hubs telling me he wanted to go back to ministry as a pastor ripped my world apart.
Up until now I never looked at it from HIS side. Imagine struggling with “putting off” God’s calling. (Not hard to imagine for those of us who are doing it right now). Hubs knew, by telling me, that he was opening a door he couldn’t close.
The courage it must have taken, knowing how long and how hard we had tried to grow our family. The struggles of fertility issues, of miscarriages. The nights he spent trying to console me as my heart cried out for a baby that seemed like it was never coming. And even though he knew it would mean that our adoption plans went on hold, he knew what he HAD to do.
He knew that a 75% pay cut would be hard to swallow. He knew that I had sworn long ago that my kids wouldn’t grow up as I had, moving from city to city, never having a “childhood friend” for more then a couple years before it was time to go on to the next place. He knew that asking me to go and be a pastors wife would stretch me beyond my wildest dreams. He knew that with my history of “running” that he could tell me and I’d say “Nope, this isn’t what I signed up for” and leave.
He knew all those things, but more than that…. he knew he had no choice. He knew that his obedience to Gods calling outweighed all those things, and he knew he had to take the chance. I can’t imagine the stress, the anxiety he would have felt in those days leading up to his breaking point.
His willingness, his NEED to put himself out there, and say “This is what I have to do” inspires, challenges and confronts me every day. I may not always remember to tell him, or to act like it, but not a moment goes by without me knowing how Blessed I am to have him as my husband and best friend.
As I work through the struggle of my own life in ministry, however that may look, it is because of The Hubs support that I have the courage to look at MY options in all of this.